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Open diary

I have so many thoughts and feelings in my mind that I need to share but have nobody to share them with. There’s something’s you share with your family and friends but only to a point I want to share. I struggle opening myself up to people close to me and even now life is so difficult but each day I put on a smile and pretend everything is ok. I can feel myself becoming more distant from my friends and family as if I have an uncontrollable pull inside my body removing me from talking to them. My life is turning into nothing but I want to turn that around. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be someone my family can be proud of and right now I’m not doing a good job of it. 

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Entry three

My Boyfriend messaged me and asked how I’m doing. I couldn’t even have a conversation after the last thing he said to me when I told him something that I wasn’t enjoying in my life “who cares, get used to it, if you don’t like my comments don’t tell me” now I don’t feel like telling him anything. I couldn’t even hold a conversation and this time it’s me leaving the conversation and not him. There’s only so much I can take and after this brief short “how are you” conversation I feel like he’s the one distracting me from becoming a better version of myself. I was happy before he messaged me.. I was focused and working. Now once again I’m just sitting here thinking, waiting for him to go away from my mind so I can focus on me again. I don’t want to let all the pain back in i can’t live with it anymore.

Entry two

I’ve spent a lot of time sitting here thinking – I want a better life, I don’t want to live like this anymore, I need to move on and dreaming about what could be but feeling troubled about making a move with thoughts – I can’t do this, I’m not good enough, I will fail, I am bad luck etc.. 

But thinking this isn’t getting me anywhere and I’ve realised the longer I keep in this mind set the more time I am wasting feeling sorry for myself instead of taking action to change. I feel inspired. My first goal is get out of here!! I’m not giving myself a time frame this time as it may only end in disappointment. I think I have Queensland in mind. I’ve started working on my professional profile which I will distribute. I have a lot of work as I’m still dealing with some internal feeling but I found an amazing quote today:

The energy you’ll expend focusing on someone else’s life is better spent working on yourself.

Which I read in #Girlboss by Sophia Amoruso. I feel like I needed to hear this and it made me realise how much time I invest in other people’s life’s and how little I invest in my own. Today I am going to make a change and starting with social media which I’m so addicted too. Goodbye Facebook and Goodbye Instagram.. Hello to a new improved version of myself and he start of something new.